yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
