Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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