mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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