i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
