I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
