I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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