i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
