I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
