I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
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