PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
