I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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