Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
