You really coming over, don't trick.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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