On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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