you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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