Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
