I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
