I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
