I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
