how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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