I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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