Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize