i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
