This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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