Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
