Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize