fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
