i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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