the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
