Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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