Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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