My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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