how can u be prego again
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
