I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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