Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
