what day is it and did you see me today?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
