Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
