We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize