Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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