I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
