I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
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