Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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