I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i now understand why vodka
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
