my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
