Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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