Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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