I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
