nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
