why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
