A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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