my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
