can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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