I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
