He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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