Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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