Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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