You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
