Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
