If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
